As we connect with others, sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that drain us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Despite our best efforts to employ communication and conflict resolution techniques, there are moments when these endeavors only serve to exacerbate the trauma within our lives. Whether it be friendships, familial bonds, colleagues, teachers, siblings, or any other connection we form, this frustrating truth can manifest itself. When we reach this critical juncture in a relationship, we are faced with a somber choice: either sever ties (if you can stomach ending the connection with this person), accepting the pain of disconnection (if you are still trying to figure out what is best to do. Though, I don’t recommend you stay here long), or establish very strong boundaries (if you want to maintain connection with them and hold on to your sanity).
Within my own world, I have encountered a few individuals who have pushed me to this precipice: a family member, some former colleagues, and a few friends. Out of them all, the most challenging relationship to confront was with a family member. Growing up, I was ingrained with the belief that family sticks together, that “no one gets left behind,” and that we set aside our differences to foster love and support for one another. It took a deep soul-searching to find the strength in these values and juxtapose them against the toxicity that they can breed. The relationship with this family member had become undeniably toxic, and I realized that I had to take action before losing myself or my own life.
They are always right!
One common trait among these toxic individuals is their unwavering conviction that they are always right. If you agree with them, you are considered astute, having recognized the truth, while they claim the title of your supreme teacher, enlightening you about life’s verities. On the other hand, should you dare disagree with them, you are instantly branded as foolish, and they spare no effort in attempting to change your mind, preventing you from naively embracing the fictional notions they so despise.
They’ve given you so much!
Remarkably, they possess an uncanny ability to selectively remember all the good they have done for you, while conveniently forgetting any help you have provided them. It is as though they believe every achievement in their lives was solely a result of their own greatness, achieved without assistance from anyone. If, by chance, they do acknowledge receiving aid, they attribute it to their exceptional leadership and teaching prowess, asserting that these individuals succeeded solely due to their guidance. They conveniently disregard the times when they themselves were in dire need, leaving us to step in and rectify the problems they had created. More often than not, they’ve caused a mess that spilled over into our own lives, forcing us into damage control mode. They have constructed an enmeshed system where they reap the benefits of our actions while we endure the havoc they wreak.
They’re just trying to help!
And what of the abuse? According to their twisted perspective, it is simply their attempt to guide us toward the right path. In their eyes, had we possessed the foresight to know better, they would not have resorted to such horrific acts. While corporal punishment may still be accepted in certain social circles, it is crucial for each of us to establish our own boundaries and determine what level of physical correction crosses the line into abuse. Some may find any form of physical correction intolerable, while others may deem a modicum of it acceptable for the purpose of interrupting detrimental patterns. It is not my place to pass judgment on your decision, but rather to remind us all to clearly draw our boundaries and hold them unwaveringly. Furthermore, it is essential to recognize that abuse can take various forms: social, emotional, verbal, financial, encroachment on personal space, or even infringement on our autonomy. If you desire more insight into the different manifestations of abuse, please do not hesitate to ask. I intend to explore these other forms of abuse further, drawing from personal experiences and my work in assisting others who have encountered similar hardships. However, I will prioritize delving into the ones that resonate most profoundly with our shared experiences.
Undoubtedly, there is much more to be said on this subject, but today, these thoughts weigh heavily on my mind, compelling me to share them with you. It is my sincerest hope that you find resonance in these words towards your own healing and empowerment. May you discover the strength within yourself to prioritize your well-being and recognize that, in our pursuit of a better world, we must not lose sight of our own identities. That as we want to create a better life for everyone, YOU are included as part of Everyone! Let us embark together on this journey of healing, establishing necessary boundaries, finding joy, dismissing self-doubt, cultivating confidence, and honing our intuition to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
